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[13 Nov 2010|09:28pm] |
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[This journal is NOT REAL.
I am NOT Estella Warren, nor do I know her. I am not associated with her at all. I am simply a fan that enjoys writing.
I repeat, this journal is not real. If you would like more information, please go here. Thank you!]
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[07 May 2004|10:04pm] |
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Filming. In North Carolina. National Lampoon's The Trouble with Frank.
So that's where I am incase anyone wants to see me or talk to me. Bring bug spray.
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[10 Apr 2004|12:22pm] |
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I've found myself sleeping a lot since I got back to LA. Go figure. Imagine my surprise though that when I actually did venture out of my house on this clear Saturday morning, nothing had changed. My neighbor’s dog was still barking and no one had stolen my paper. I passed the same people on my walk down to the corner Starbuck's to get some coffee (Yes Christian, coffee). I sat there, as I used to when I had more free time, reading the paper, drinking a coffee and eating a muffin. It was my typical Saturday morning where I could people-watch from behind my sunglasses and wonder how everyone else’s Saturday mornings were going. Were they more exciting than mine? Less? Did they drink coffee like me and read the paper or did they walk their dog? Either way, its fun to imagine as the entire world moves around you.
Sometimes, it's easy to forget that the entire world does not revolve around us. That we are merely one in a sea of billions who all act in their own little melodrama called life, each with a different cast of characters and different scenes that need to be shot, rehearse, done over, tweaked, or maybe some are just perfect as is.
I am living my melodrama. Who wants to be in the cast? Are you waiting to see if I want you in it? I do.
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[07 Apr 2004|11:24am] |
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Back in LA for a week or so...not like that will matter much.
It's amazing how quickly things can change, patterns can change, feeligns can changes. Memories forgotten?
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[29 Mar 2004|11:34pm] |
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I wait up most of the night wondering if the phone would ring. The computer screen glares at me, beckoning me from my bed but never once did a message pop up to cement my mind on leaving the warm sheet for it. I feel like I don't know what's going on. I feel as though I have lost control but I am still unsure of what it is I am trying to control.
I am the type of person that needs to know. I am the type of person who can be overly confident, who can be a bitch and not care, who has the ability take charge. So why do I feel as though I cannot take a step forward without taking a step backwards into the past and letting go of anything I am holding on to.
My hand will grasp the air and when it finds nothing it will keep doing so until something comes along.
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[27 Mar 2004|11:50pm] |
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I'm back. Only to update that Mark is back.
Also that and I'm really bored out of my mind down here in Australia, I wish I was home in my own bed, and my PA broke my Barney mug (Christian, a little help please? Just let me know where you got it so I can replace it.) Lovely, isn't it?
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[25 Feb 2004|11:10am] |
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I could lie to you and tell you that they don't have computers or high speed internet access in Australia. I could tell you that they don't have phones either and my cell phone hasn't gotten service in weeks. But that would all be lies, just like it would be if I told you I was stuck out in the Australian Outback with no one to communicate with and no civilization around me. A movie set is a civilization. Who am I kidding?
I'm heading back to LA on Friday, taking a week off to go to Christian's wedding. I'm expecting there to be Barney mugs for every guest. Or maybe just me. I love being selfish.
Hopefully I won't sleep through it because it at this rate I feel as though I might get home and crawl into my bed and never come out again. There is definitely no cell phone service or computer access there either.
Just be glad I haven't disconnected my number yet.
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[19 Jan 2004|09:55am] |
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Men At Work - Land Down Under |
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I have the strange desire to start singing Men at Work's Land Down Under and skip around look for men play flutes in trees. Maybe being down under has also made me lose my mind as well.
Leave it to me to be bouncing all over the place come the New Year, for I have already gone from Canada, to New York, to Los Angeles, to Australia and we are only 19 days into the New Year. Someone just give me an award right now. I'm back down here, filming Nomads because apparently we didn't finish. Then again, do we ever really finish? No. It's just a repetitive cycle of doing the same things over and over again.
I've had too much coffee this morning and my Barney mug that Christian gave me is all stained I use it so much. I need my coffee, don't give me shit.
I wish I new when I was going home though, for as much as I love it down here and how breath takingly beautiful it is, I crave for my view of the city and my pool; my bed as well.
Days, maybe weeks, maybe months, well I hope not months.
Bouncing and I'm out.
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| Hey look i'm updating |
[13 Jan 2004|04:19pm] |
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I'm alive. In that totally insane, working off of no sleep kind of way.
So who missed me while I was being stuffed like a turkey over the holidays?
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[17 Dec 2003|11:58pm] |
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I want to marry Conan O'Brien |
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My new name should be Estella Busy Pants. Not because there is some busy action going on in my pants but because I have been running and running never really getting a chance to sit down. I thought I would have a bit of time of before the holidays, in between finishing up Pursued. But oh no. Tonight I'm in New York doing Conan, who I must say I love. Every time I say his name I want to sing that song...I want to marry Conan O'Brien. Anyone actually know what I'm talking about? Maybe not.
I was able to catch up with Christian on Tuesday where all of the following things happened: he teased me about my boyfriend Barney, I drank too much coffee, and I laughed my ass off which I always tend to do when I'm with him. I guess I was so busy to realize how much I missed him, but he's doing well. I couldn't be happier for him and Samantha. He was positively glowing when I saw him. I was able to give him his Christmas present. Me, being an Anais Nin fan, and him being a Henry Miller fan, I was able to track down an autographed copy of Tropic of Cancer for his Christmas present, which I hope he enjoyed.
I haven't yet figured out if I'm going to go home after this or head back to LA. I guess I'll decide that when I'm actually not wondering where I'm supposed to be, which may be never at this rate.
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[11 Dec 2003|11:30am] |
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I spent all last night drinking egg nog and listening to Christmas music as I decorated my Christmas tree. I was originally going to go out and actually chop one down, but the lot on the corner looked so much more, well, closer really. Besides, my main work with the Christmas tree includes stringing lights and standing on ladders.
My parents are bugging me to come home early for my birthday, but I'm not so sure I want to. All my birthday will consist of then will be me sitting around watching Survivor or something with my sister while my mom forces birthday cake down my throat. A pleasant thought, isn't it?
So if anyone want to do something on the 23rd, let me know. Save me from birthday cake eating hell. That's all I really have to update about. Back to boring life. Toodles.
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| 2nd post in one day. Shock me, Shock me, Shock me with that deviant behavior! |
[08 Dec 2003|06:20pm] |
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Average Joe |
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Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
~Anais Nin, "Winter of Artifice"
I wonder what state I am in, or if I have reached that point of electing a state to be, so that I can move in with a dog and stay there forever. Thinking like this makes me think of Freud and his damn stages, though I know that really has nothing to do with this. There is my childlike state, my idealistic state, my pessimistic state, all of which are very roomy and comfy to me, but not always welcoming to others on the outside. I sometimes wonder if I give off this bitchy front that people see and end up disliking me because of. Maybe it is just one of those inner fears that we all have.
There are too many fears in life to live worrying about them every second of every day. I tend to worry sometimes, when I let my guard down and let my feelings take over. I wonder what state that is. Perhaps it’s the “Holy crap, I’m human” state. Or maybe the “Wait, I have feelings” state. Whatever it is, I find it never last for too long and maybe that is why I have never really reached that point where I want to stay in a certain state. There are too many comings and goings in my life to want to stay grounded to for too long.
I once did a photo shoot in which all I was wearing as a huge pair of feathers angle wings. Yes, I know, dirty thoughts, but I remember joking around how wonderful it would be just to go up on the roof and take flight, even if she for a few hours. I would love to see the world from a different perspective, to feel free with the wind in my hair. To fly would be to take a chance, to jump from state to state, living for the moment I was experiencing instead of being stuck in a box.
I have been talking with my sister on the phone tonight, with her listening to my incoherent ramblings that Tylenol Cold and Sinus has been so kind to honor me with. I’m beginning to wonder if she thinks I’m crazy. I think I’m beginning to wonder as well. Thank you Tylenol Cold and Sinus. Thank you Anais Nin. Thank you Barnes and Noble.
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| Avoiding the topic at hand |
[08 Dec 2003|11:28am] |
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Leona Naess - Lazy Days |
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( Estella Warren is.. )
Estella Warren is also very sick. Fever, chills, headache, sore throat, and yet I still must be on top of my game for the next three days so I can get on a plane, go home and sleep in my own bed. I miss my bed more than I thought I would. It was a new bed, and I always find it takes me a while to break in a new bed. But now that I am here, very antsy to head home, there is nothing more that I miss than the firm mattress and my fluffy comforter.
Christian left yesterday morning. I didn’t even hear about it until I got up. Lucky him. I wish I could be home right now. Do you see a recurring pattern among my topics? First thing I’m doing on Thursday when I get home is buy a Christmas tree because there is nothing more excited and festive than getting a tree and decorating it. It seems odd though, to be decorating a Christmas tree when it is sunny outside and warm enough to wear a t-shirt. Maybe I’ll have to turn on my air conditioning full blast and just pretend it is cold.
I’ve been drinking tea non-stop. I find no comfort in coffee when I’m sick. Cup after cup of tea and still I feel like shit. I wonder if I can attempt to sleep sitting up as to not ruin my hair and makeup. I’ll give it a shot.
Three days and counting. As much as I love my job…I just want to go home!
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| Twas the night before December 6th |
[05 Dec 2003|03:48pm] |
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This update is dedicated to Mister Christian Slater, seeing as he told me I need to update and by golly, the set will not be a pleasant working environment if I don’t. I can’t believe I just said by golly too. I might be tarred and feathered for that.
Work has been, well work. Christian was gone this entire week which made the mood of the set a little less fun as it always does. That’s okay though. I spent most of the time bother Michael, making fake nametags for everyone, and contemplating why it was I was so anti-coffee there for a while. I spent my days trying to get as many scenes done as possible so I can go home to LA and get ready for Christmas before going home-home to Canada to spend it with my family. That of course will be one of those dramatic experiences that will scar me for life as my father burns the ham, my sister lights the place cards on fire, and somehow the most important present under the tree gets lost or eaten by the dog. We are hoping to be done up here within the next two weeks, so hopefully I will be able to enjoy my birthday either at home with the family (another life-scarring experience) or in LA with some friends. 18 days, I know you all are counting down the minutes.
My nights though have been seemingly less and less excited as this shoot progress. Much to the point where I find myself in my rented apartment, attempting to find something good on TV and eating...I don’t know, rice and beef or chicken pot pie or something not on my diet.
I went over to Christian’s last night before heading out on the town; took him some chicken pot pie seeing as we never get any good food from catering anyway. He did some strutting, I did the splits, and we hung out. I even got a Barney mug out of the whole deal, which I could have done without because hanging out with Christian is worth enough as it is. :-D
Tonight, well tonight I’m supposed to be going out to see a movie tonight with a friend from high school who lives in town. After that, who knows? We’ll see what the night holds.
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[02 Dec 2003|04:00pm] |
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If I walk into a room and there is total silence, will it be a bad experience or a good one? I don’t care. I shouldn’t care, for someone will eventually drop a glass, cough, sneeze, laugh, whisper. Maybe it is the whispers that bother me the most. Then again, there are better things to care about.
Ever since last night, I have been feeling not like myself. I spent much of the night lying awake in my bed, tossing and turning until the sheets were a tangled mess. I know every flaw with the ceiling plaster. When the phone rang this morning, normally to rouse me from a deep sleep, I answered on the first ring. I was already awake. I had been awake the whole time, and now that I look at my eyes, they seem more blood shot than they were this morning. I feel more punky than spunky if that makes any sense at all. Even the coffee could not help me today.
I am supposed to go out with a friend tonight. I am still debating about if I will go or collapse in my bed and either pass out or continue staring at the ceiling. I feel like Alexander in Alexander & The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day though slightly older and with better hair. Thank god for good genes.
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| You love me, don't you? |
[01 Dec 2003|08:42am] |
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Frank Sinatra - The Way You Look Tonight |
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And it’s back to the grind stone as I sit here and get pounds of makeup applied to my face. One of my annoying qualities on amiannoying.com is that I don't like to wear makeup a lot when I'm out in public. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason right here. I wear enough on one day of a movie shoot to last me an entire life time. Maybe that is why I am more annoying than Christian. Or maybe it’s because of that damn Barney Reunion Special. Damn all those who voted me annoying for not seeing the inner beauty. And not realizing I was drunk when I signed that contract.
I got a bit creative last night and messed with my layout, bought myself a paid account and made 50 icons. Well not quite 50 yet, but I’m getting there. Give me a few more days and a couple hours here and there waiting for someone to fix the lighting and everything will be fine and dandy.
The set is just not the same without Christian. I think I shall go and cry now. Or maybe have a coffee in his honor.
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| Just the way you look tonight |
[29 Nov 2003|11:32pm] |
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A little Sinatra |
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Confusion is never a good state to be in. Therefore, never let me have a glass of wine and then have a latte. Caffeine and alcohol just don’t mix and my stomach is starting to churn. Though that could always be from the insanely huge amount of laughing I did this evening, though one can never be quite sure.
I had dinner with my agent tonight, which was business of course and though I think my mind played tricks on me and made me think I had signed up to star in the Barney Reunion Special. Lucky for me, I didn’t and therefore I will not have to wear purple. It’s just not my color.
Dinner was nice though. It was actually somewhat calming to just not be working for a change. Thank god for American holidays to celebrate eating turkey. Granted, us Canadians have Thanksgiving at a different time, but I am certainly glad for the fact that American’s have it now. It just means more time off for me. So the past couple days I have been doing nothing but shopping around Vancouver. I went over to Victoria yesterday for the day. I slept in today, had a long hot bubble bath, had dinner, and then went out to coffee with my amazingly sarcastic, funny, and Sinatra like co-star who finally got me to like a cup of coffee, though it really was more milk than coffee; which has now led me to that lovely state of confusion the alcohol buzz and caffeine high has left me.
It is time for me to head off to dream of....haha, well that will be tomorrow’s update. I have to do something tomorrow to occupy my last day off before its back to early morning wake up calls and 18-hour days.
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| I'm dancin' and singin' in the rain |
[18 Nov 2003|04:41pm] |
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Singin' in the Rain |
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It’s been a long day though I know it could be longer. It’s still light outside, though the cover of clouds makes it appear darker and darker by the minute. It of course is still raining as well, as it was when I left my rented apartment early this morning, as it will be when I leave here in a few minutes.
Something inside me makes me want to go out and just walk around in the rain, feel my clothes grow damp and mold against my body. Maybe it is the rebel inside me that likes to go against the norm. Who needs an umbrella? Everyone should walk in the rain. It’s not like it’s going to leave a searing, burning scar on you if the water drops upon your skin.
Then I could take a long, hot bath when I get home, savoring the feeling of cold skin in hot water and the way it leaves you with a burning sensation. Ever since I was younger, I have loved that burning sensation. Every time I would get out of the pool, after long hours of synchronized swimming practice, I would stand underneath the shower for as long as I could, just enjoying the feeling as the chlorine from my body mixed with the steam and permeated my lungs.
I have been reminiscing like this all day; something I tend not to do for my brain is always running about a half hour ahead of my body. But it feels good to think, to look out at the rain, ready to step out into it, and do something. I’ve been stuck in front of a camera for too long today and I am getting restless. It’s time to go be the rebel, time to go walk in the rain.
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[16 Nov 2003|11:03am] |
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RHCP - Under the Bridge |
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I've only been here a week, and I'm already drained, exhausted, tired, sleepy, or any other word that is similar to that of tired. It normally takes me at least three weeks to get here. I can deal with three weeks of early morning wake up calls before I really start to dread them. It would always be that when I started a new project. I would feel amazing for the first few weeks, I would feel like I was being hugely productive with me life and that I could do this every day till I am 90. Once I get past that three week mark though, I'm cranky in the morning, I'm tired, I'm stressed out. So what happened to my extra two weeks because that is exactly how I am feeling this morning.
Someone give me a pillow.
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[10 Nov 2003|12:43pm] |
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The first day. The first day in a long line of many that will keep me here in Vancouver, perfecting the ability to sleep while people put make up on me, and trying to remember what my fourth grade teacher told us about memorizing lines.
I got here Friday and spent two days alone walking around in the city, absorbing the feeling of being back in my home country. There is just something about using a coin with a bird on it that makes me smile. I took the ferry over to Victoria to have tea the Empress, I wandered around there just enjoying the time I had for come Monday, today all hell would break lose. And it did.
Five AM. Not exactly my favorite time of day to hear a phone ringing but I did. It was time. I got up, I went to the set, I slept through people putting make up and on doing my hair. It was then time to go and put my hard weeks of studying lines to good use.
I'm waiting now for someone to fix the lighting so we can get on with the show. I look around and everyone is talking with someone else and I have a strange feeling of loneliness despite being alone for two days prior to this. Oddly enough, I know it will still be there when I return to the apartment I have rented late tonight.
I somehow think it will always be there.
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